Escaping a cult

[lillia]

TW/CW: cult, intimate partner violence, different types of domestic abuse, grooming

*I meant to post this in the aromantic relationships area, oops*

Short version:

I went down the "cult" youtube rabbit hole and discovered the phrase "one on one cults" which is basically a cult with 2 people - the perpetrator/cult leader and the victim. The traits the sociologist professional listed off in the video made me go "JESUS CHRIST THAT'S MY EX"

 

Long version:

(I'm putting in this paragraph just so people are aware of the confirmed diagnosis that he had as well as family issues): So my ex (I dated him from ages roughly 19-29) was formally diagnosed with schizophrenia but I STRONGLY suspect that schizoaffective is a much more appropriate diagnosis (he had STRONG mood swings on top of the seemingly "WTF" ways his brain CONSTANTLY did - something was clearly not mentally 100% right, so doctors slapped him with a schizophrenia diagnosis). His parents told me that he had been diagnosed with Autism as a child but for whatever reason, they never bothered with therapies for this (no meds, no therapy for anger management, etc.). His father has confirmed PTSD from war and his younger biological sister has bipolar with a history of substance abuse. My ex was/is a cis straight dude. I'm an AroAce nonbinary. 

In the beginning of the relationship, he was extremely charming and love-bombing via emotional, psychological, and gift giving. 

As the years went on, things started to get red flaggy. He'd start emotionally guilt tripping me to stay with him, exaggerate problems between me and family to isolate me, drive away mutual friends we had (always saying they were the problem, not him, despite how he was the common denominator with everything), he was VERY quick to anger, he had a history of destroying my property/things when enraged and had physically struck me numerous times (nearly killed me a handful of times). He tried MANY times to pressure me to get rid of my bank account to be solely dependent on him for most aspects of my life.He always had to be the center of attention. He NEEDED the conversation to be whatever he deemed. He got EXTREMELY, unreasonably upset if you didn't say a phrase a VERY specific way (random example - You could say something like "I'm not sure if Susan can make it to this event" but he would keep pestering you (and grow increasingly agitated) unless you said the EXACT phrase he wanted to hear, "I will ask Susan if she can make it to this event").

He ended up grooming a 18-ish year old (around when he was 30-35, I was around 28-30 at the time) to basically condition her into being okay with him being very sexually forward and aggressive towards her. I remember one time I had fallen asleep at night in mine and his bed and I happened to wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of them "doing stuff" (y'all know what I'm getting at here) in the bed next to me while I slept. We had spoken about non-monogamy before but never agreed to this specific instant. I froze and pretended to still be asleep, not wanting to deal with that mess then and there. I never brought it up to him. Again, cause of fear. 

I was terrified of leaving initially because I thought he was going to DESTROY my professional life if I did (long story). I eventually did get out because a good friend of mine called the cops to do a wellness check because he heard me and my ex arguing (it was loud, angry, etc. he heard it over the phone) and the cops were able to escort me off the property. 

So yeah, that's the "long story short" in the long version of the 10 years of the relationship. I couldn't ignore the neon red blazing flags by year 6-8 and it took me those last few years to try to figure out how to get out and listening to these videos about "one on one cults", it was my fucking ex and I am furious.

Edited October 6 by lillia

[organs and bone]

oh my god that is so fucking scary. I’m so thankful that you were able to get out of it.

[lillia]

Yeah the only reason I got out was because cops came onto the property. While I was trapped (psychologically and emotionally), I legit felt like the only escape was death.