How to tell my boyfriend I am aromantic?

[lithroliv]

This is my first time using the platform so apologies if I am not posting this in the right place.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost five months, and recently realised I am aromantic (lithromantic specifically). I genuinely had no idea before we got together, because I have always had crushes and I was very much into him before we started dating. When we got together, the feelings just died, and I feel uncomfortable with any affection or romance he shows me, and any that I am expected to show in return. It has got to the point where I am so uncomfortable that I do not want sex (I am on the ace spectrum but usually have no problem engaging sexually with him). Looking back on my two previous relationships and any dates I have been on, its the same story every time. 
 

The problem is, I really wanted it to work with this boy. I thought that I was just cold hearted and sociopathic, and that was why I didn’t feel what I was supposed to, but I’ve always wanted a long term relationship and a family and kids, and this boy was perfect. So I really played up my affection for him. He tells me things like I am his soulmate, he can’t wait to marry me and have kids, and I play along very well. He thinks I am obsessed with him as he is with me.

So how do I possibly tell him it’s all a lie? From the beginning we were both open about the fact that we are dating to marry so I know that it is unfair to stay with him on his part, as I don’t think I can ever possibly marry him. 
 

How can I tell him the truth without coming cross as a lying manipulative bitch? He is also not particularly ‘woke’ and I don’t think he will take kindly to the ‘aromantic’ label. 
 

I don’t want to hurt him. 
 

He is also friends with most of my friends (we worked together before dating) and I don’t know what he will tell him but it won’t be anything nice.

I am begging for advice! I hope I am not the only person who realised too late. 

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

I am not fully equipped on this situation, since I realized I was aromantic before I entered my own partnership, and my ex-partner was knowledgeable about the aromantic community, but - I can somewhat relate a little, because during my partnership with them I realized I was completely non-partnering (as in no romantic relationships, QPRs, or committed sexual relationships for me). It was hard, because I was mentally fighting myself in telling them. They seemed to like me romantically, and although they were very accommodating on the fact that I couldn't love them back in that way, perform romantic gestures, nor even constitute our dates as actual dates, I still wanted them to at least have my companionship; and realizing that I couldn't even gift them that kind of a hurt a bit. I found, though, that I still had to tell them because they deserved to know, and I deserved to be happy just as much as them, since permanent singlehood is now my go-to plan and makes me happy when I think about it.

I know your situation is different, especially since your boyfriend may potentially not be accepting. I would say that if you do plan on telling him, since you deserve to be comfortable and you want to give him an explanation, I would write down what it is you want to say and give some details about certain things (like your experiences and what lithromantic means, and potentially even describe what aromanticism is). If you plan on telling him, I know this part may seem over-the-top, but I don't know your partner and so I wouldn't know how he could react to the information, but make sure you have a safe place to go to afterward.

If you know he won't react negatively (as in harm you in any way) then you shouldn't need to do that, but if you're uncertain yourself, then it could be good to have those safe options; and Hell, you should probably look for safe places to stay anyway or if you're uncertain if you should tell him - you could simply break-up with him without telling him you're lithromantic. Breaking up without coming out sounds a bit more like a game plan, only because you stated that he may not take kindly to aromanticism and may even say negative things about you to y'all's friends.

It seems like you have given your all to this relationship, and I personally wouldn't say that you lied to him, since you did love him at one point and did want to get married and have kids. It's just, that changed. And it's perfectly okay for those things to change, even if at the moment it doesn't feel like it. You deserve to be happy, even if it may hurt or be nerve-wracking to end the relationship. At this point, if leaving is what you want, then staying in the relationship wouldn't be you living your own life - you'd be living a life for a person that you simply aren't.

Edited August 31 by The Newest Fabled Creature