in a qpr but confused about my orientation

[fource.of.red]

in around mid-april of this year, i asked one of my friends to be in a qpr with me and they said yes. they were already out as aroace, and i was out as ace but not sure if i was aro. i’ve been in one romantic relationship before this one, but it was very short-lived and more like a situationship, so i don’t count it. (it was also very toxic so i’d rather forget it ever happened.)

anyway, i entered my qpr and eventually decided i was aro. things have been amazing so far, we’re extremely happy and i’m glad i asked them in the first place :) the confusion is coming from the fact that i’m not quite sure what my feelings are.

at first i assumed i was experiencing alterous attraction, since i always wanted to talk to them but it didn’t quite feel up to the standards of typical romance. it was more like having a best friend, but an insane level of best friend. later on, i started questioning if i was truly feeling romantic attraction towards my partner. it’s a bit hard to describe every part of how i feel- i love talking to them, it’s like i can’t get enough of our conversations. i think about them pretty much all the time, even when we aren’t talking.

for full transparency i am not okay with kissing or anything along those lines. the most i would do physically is hug/hold hands. i’m deeply uncomfortable with any physical contact that could lead to non-ace occurrences.

i’ve been fully transparent with my partner about all of this since the beginning, because i never wanted them to be uncomfortable. they were really open about it and said that it won’t change anything if i’m feeling romantic attraction. they also know i’m posting this and they’re fine with it (they are also questioning the same thing so we’re in this together, lol).

it’s weird how i’ve read so many novels about what romantic attraction feels like, to the point where i think i understand it but i still can’t tell if i feel it myself.

so i guess my question is… what’s the difference between romantic and alterous attraction? what are some signs that will point me in one direction or the other? and also, if my partner and i both happen to feel romantic attraction, does that mean we’re in a romantic relationship?

let me know :)

[Qiri]

15 hours ago, fource.of.red said:

so i guess my question is… what’s the difference between romantic and alterous attraction?

I've typically heard alterous attraction as something either in between platonic and romantic or something neither platonic nor romantic.

Like - you want to be important to someone, their significant other - but not in a romantic/dating way.

15 hours ago, fource.of.red said:

what are some signs that will point me in one direction or the other?

I found this to be helpful for me. 

15 hours ago, fource.of.red said:

and also, if my partner and i both happen to feel romantic attraction, does that mean we’re in a romantic relationship?

It's my understanding that it is what you want it to be. There isn't anything that is exclusive to either a romantic relationship or a QPR, so it's mostly about what you are comfortable classing your relationship as. If you jointly decide you want your relationship to be romantic, it is. If you both decide you want your relationship to be a QPR, then it is. 

[alto]

Do you want to kiss?  

Kiss = probably romantic

No kiss = probably alterous

At least that's how I think of it.