Anyone else feeling bitter?

[Lieden]

I have known for a year or so about my aromanticism and for the most part it has been good. But there are some instances where seeing other people in a happy relationship makes me feel bitter. Bitter isn't even the full feeling but it's the closest to it I can think of. Normally I'm the most hype person and supportive person when other people get in relationships (likely because I'm so desperate for one of my own, I'm just praying for some karma I suppose) anyway, this bitter feeling has really only ever happened twice. Once with my best friend when he got a girlfriend (and I'm the one who got them together too...) and the second time with an online person who is the only one I have ever felt any sort of desire to be in a relationship with. I think my close ties to these people is why it hurts so much... because I know deep down that I mean less to them than their partners and since we are close it will be much more noticeable of a change. But this online friend hurts more because I actually confessed feeling for her... and she wasn't over her ex... and then didn't get over him again... and then again. They broke up and got back together THREE TIMES. And this adds a whole other layer of conflicting feelings because on the one hand I want her to be happy, and if this other guy makes her happy then so be it. But on the other hand I am so tired of being "lesser than" in other's eyes and in my own eyes. And I know self love is something I can work on but it's just so f**king hard to do when the people I care about most push me aside for other people. How am I supposed to love myself when it doesn't feel like anyone else does?

I mostly just need other people that understand me right now. If someone reads this and doesn't relate I still appreciate a message of any kind... I need connection. 

Sorry for the rant and everything, but thank you to anyone who read thru it all.

[alto]

Are you sure you are aro?

[victusinner]

I get it. I don't want romance, but it hurts when the people closest to me meet someone new and choose them over me. It's supposed to be 'normal' for my close friend of many years to choose their new partner over their long-term friend, and I am expected to be okay with it. Romance is held to be a 'higher' relationship. So it makes sense for those of us who cannot or will not experience romance to feel cast aside. Sometimes its frustrating or saddening knowing that I will never have a partner who is dedicated to me and I to them above anyone else. It is a very lonesome feeling when all around you, your friends are getting married or dating and spending more time with their new relationships. When I'm feeling down about it, those sad feelings can turn into anger: anger at them, anger at the world, anger at myself. I spent a lot of time angry with myself for not being able to seek out a relationship like theirs, disgusted with myself for wanting something purely out of jealousy--not that I even want a relationship, but that I want it because someone else has it and I don't--and bitter at everyone else for leaving me behind.

What helps me is remembering that your friends aren't leaving you, and in their eyes, they probably think the two of you are as close as ever. They love you as much as they always have, and even though they may not have as much time for you as before, there's always room in their hearts and homes for you. I accept their new partners as part of their life and mine and get to know them. Some of my friends have great taste in dating partners and they're really cool people. I actually became roommates with one of my buddy's boyfriends! He became a core member of our friend circle and runs the DnD group now. 

It doesn't mean I never get the feeling of FOMO or jealousy that others are spending more time with each other. It doesn't mean I won't resent someone just a little for missing my birthday to have a movie night with their girlfriend (even though she was invited too) (like a month in advance). But I'm more at peace with living my life and letting other people live theirs. My aromanticism isn't something about myself I would want to change, and my friends' romanticism isn't something I would want them to change. 

[Lieden]

15 hours ago, victusinner said:

I get it. I don't want romance, but it hurts when the people closest to me meet someone new and choose them over me. It's supposed to be 'normal' for my close friend of many years to choose their new partner over their long-term friend, and I am expected to be okay with it. Romance is held to be a 'higher' relationship. So it makes sense for those of us who cannot or will not experience romance to feel cast aside. Sometimes its frustrating or saddening knowing that I will never have a partner who is dedicated to me and I to them above anyone else. It is a very lonesome feeling when all around you, your friends are getting married or dating and spending more time with their new relationships. When I'm feeling down about it, those sad feelings can turn into anger: anger at them, anger at the world, anger at myself. I spent a lot of time angry with myself for not being able to seek out a relationship like theirs, disgusted with myself for wanting something purely out of jealousy--not that I even want a relationship, but that I want it because someone else has it and I don't--and bitter at everyone else for leaving me behind.

What helps me is remembering that your friends aren't leaving you, and in their eyes, they probably think the two of you are as close as ever. They love you as much as they always have, and even though they may not have as much time for you as before, there's always room in their hearts and homes for you. I accept their new partners as part of their life and mine and get to know them. Some of my friends have great taste in dating partners and they're really cool people. I actually became roommates with one of my buddy's boyfriends! He became a core member of our friend circle and runs the DnD group now. 

It doesn't mean I never get the feeling of FOMO or jealousy that others are spending more time with each other. It doesn't mean I won't resent someone just a little for missing my birthday to have a movie night with their girlfriend (even though she was invited too) (like a month in advance). But I'm more at peace with living my life and letting other people live theirs. My aromanticism isn't something about myself I would want to change, and my friends' romanticism isn't something I would want them to change. 

thank you.

On 7/14/2024 at 7:56 PM, alto said:

Are you sure you are aro?

Yeah. I tried to be in a romantic relationship and I didn't feel anything more special than for other friends, the only thing that was different were all the uncomfortable things allo couples tend to do, like be all cuddly in public or kiss or stuff. I might not be a hard aro but I'm certain I'm somewhere on the spectrum.