Anyone else have severe anger?

[Anonymous456]

Hi, I was directed to this site by a friend of mine. I am here because I need a resource to get my very confusing thoughts out on aromanticism. I have done some reading on here but I'm trying to see if anyone else feels how I feel. I am not asexual, by the way, as I really enjoy that sort of activity.

 My two best friends both have romantic partners. I absolutely can't stand it. One of them recently got into a relationship and I've been hearing about it for a week and am already so sick of it and enraged by it. The feeling I was talking about that I'm trying to see if anyone else feels by relationships is more than disgust, it's hate and rage. It's not that I don't want my friends to be happy or anything, it's just that the idea of a relationship annoys me greatly. At some point a friend of mine got into proshipping/fanfiction and I almost stopped being friends with him over it because of how hard it was for me to stand. The other day a friend of mine stopped talking to me for the day because he "needed to go to his girl's house", which annoyed me because in my book I would have never considered doing that. I would have probably told a partner, had I had one that they would have had to wait. I told my therapist about this and she told me that my priorities are different from other people's. I have one friend that can't always hang out with me because she's out with her boyfriend, which I think is a waste of my time from my perspective, but it's important to her so I respect it. There were times it actually made me feel ill thinking about it. Whenever one of my friends starts discussing their partner and their relationship it makes me want to scream and tell them to shut up. Any time I read any sort of story or any type of movie I find myself incredibly annoyed by any sort of romantic scene, and it makes me want to stop reading/watching the thing. There was a time I expressed this to a friend and they called me "alien". For about 90% of my life, I have had no friends. Now I have to visit my friends in a few weeks and I'm more uncomfortable than ever for these reasons.

 As a child my mother was with an abusive boyfriend. I have never met my father. I was severely bullied and beaten in my public education. When I was around 13, I met someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me. It was very toxic and he threatened suicide nearly every day. When I finally met him (this was online) he sexually assaulted me and that's putting it lightly. I finally got out of it like 2 years ago.

 I get scared thinking that I am an "incel" because of how much relationships drive me mad. But I don't hate women or desire relationships or feel like I deserve them.

 My anger has bothered me to the point I feel like i have trouble controlling it when it comes to this matter.

Edited July 8 by Anonymous456

[Ekaterina]

Hello. 

First, I'm very sorry of what you and your mother had to go through. I think such relationship-based trauma could easily be a reason behind your extreme aversion to romance. If your question is where do you lie on the aromanticism spectrum, there are aromantics who became such in the course of life, including due to trauma (the term is caedromantic I think); and some aromantics are romance-averse while some others aren't. Some like romance when it doesn't involve them; some don't mind having it one day despite not experiencing attraction; some feel neutral; and some just are uncomfortable and/or repulsed with it in general (the terms are romance-averse and apothiromantic, in case it's helpful). It isn't the case with me, I'm mostly romance-neutral, so I doubt I can give any informative perspective on romance aversion. 

Edit to add a bit: I can kind of relate to what you are saying about feeling awkward with your friend who was fascinated with shipping. I also sort of became awkward with someone (a good person) because of it, not that I was averse but I just couldn't be as interested as them and didn't want to fake interest. Also one of the pairings they were passionate about was pretty unhealthy in the story, and some of the others I personally became quite disillusioned about, so that contributed. Fictional ships I genuinely like and even adore do exist, but a remark on this forum kind of helped me to realize clearer that my view of them is often more like special friendships, sometimes with sensual stuff added, than stereotypical romance. (A normal situation with aro shippers apparently.) 

Edited July 8 by Ekaterina
Added a bit about attitude to fictional romance and shipping

[Neon]

On 7/7/2024 at 4:26 PM, Anonymous456 said:

 My anger has bothered me to the point I feel like i have trouble controlling it when it comes to this matter.

I agree with everything that @Ekaterina said, and don't have much to add on that front.

But with this bit specifically, if your anger is causing you or others distress, I highly recommend that you seek therapy to help with it. You can typically check if a therapist is queer-friendly online, and you can ask them about aromanticism specifically in an "interview" before you actually meet with them/pay them money. That way you can figure out a way to better deal with your anger without having to deal with queer/arophobia.

[Picklethewickle]

I'm romance repulsed, but I only relate to some of this. I can't stand romance in stories, and my feelings toward shipping in fanfiction are getting worse all the time. I feel very uncomfortable hearing people talk about their relationships. I'm aroace though, and I don't want relationships of any kind, so it doesn't have the same impact on me as it does on people who are aroallo.

I get a skin-crawling disgust and feel frustrated toward anything to do with romance, but it doesn't go so far as rage. I don't feel like other people are wasting their time by having relationships, not if that's something they want, and it's their time to waste anyway. I also haven't been abused, and that might be an important point. You mentioned a therapist, and it might help to address the abuse you endured, and reflect on if may be triggering the anger you feel. 

I don't consider there to be anything unhealthy about romance-aversion, and it shouldn't be something you or your therapist tries to cure away. Rather, anger to the point it interfers with your ability to cope with daily life, and impacts your ability to spend time with your friends or seek sexual relationships of your own, is unhealthy. Focus your therapy on healing what it is about relationships that causes you pain.

[Neon]

11 hours ago, Picklethewickle said:

I don't consider there to be anything unhealthy about romance-aversion, and it shouldn't be something you or your therapist tries to cure away. Rather, anger to the point it interfers with your ability to cope with daily life, and impacts your ability to spend time with your friends or seek sexual relationships of your own, is unhealthy. Focus your therapy on healing what it is about relationships that causes you pain.

THIS!

To me, the difference between romance repulsion and what OP is describing is the difference between being an big introvert and being severely agoraphobic. For the former, nothing needs to be done, unless it is something you really want to change. For the latter, therapy is highly recommended.