Any afamilial people here?

[Serafu]

I've been considering afamilial for a while now! *mini-vent ahead:* I think it mostly stems from the fact that I have bubbling trauma from my biological family. when I found that that they did not apparently unconditionally "love" me (they had a shit-ton of standards and expectations for me, some too irrational for my own understanding), my understanding of "love" in general just got thrown out of the window. I probably got messed up so bad that even seeing the "found family" trope in fiction makes me wonder in disbelief how there are people out there who can have healthy familial relationships, biological or otherwise :[ I still care about my biological family, but that's because I hold the bare minimum respect and well-wishes for anyone, period - I don't think I'll ever truly say "I love you" to them.

[P4R4D0X]

So after spending half the summer with both my parents and my grandparents, I can say that they all seem to agree on the fact that I am a weird a$$ child.

I have no idea how 5yo me was tricked into thinking she loved those morons.

[ABC]

First time I ever heard of this, and this clicks with me! I just don’t understand why blood relations, or even if it’s not blood-related but they still raised/lived with you, had to make such a big deal about it. Even harder if you’re from certain cultures such as Asian cultures like I am, where it’s a major deal to be familial.

It’s unfortunate how in real life, they’d dismiss us with “So you hate us? We didn’t raise you, educate you, feed you for nothing! You’re making me sad/mad over this!” And all that.

When really, we still respect them as they are, and are grateful for how they raised us to live in this society, we just don’t feel any special bond over blood or over them raising/living with us!

And because this isn’t part of the LGBTQIA+, on top of the ‘family is everything’ social norms, it’s also practically impossible to come out as this in real life, but so easy and freeing to speak of online here.

[P4R4D0X]

On 8/31/2024 at 6:43 AM, ABC said:

First time I ever heard of this, and this clicks with me! I just don’t understand why blood relations, or even if it’s not blood-related but they still raised/lived with you, had to make such a big deal about it. Even harder if you’re from certain cultures such as Asian cultures like I am, where it’s a major deal to be familial.

It’s unfortunate how in real life, they’d dismiss us with “So you hate us? We didn’t raise you, educate you, feed you for nothing! You’re making me sad/mad over this!” And all that.

When really, we still respect them as they are, and are grateful for how they raised us to live in this society, we just don’t feel any special bond over blood or over them raising/living with us!

And because this isn’t part of the LGBTQIA+, on top of the ‘family is everything’ social norms, it’s also practically impossible to come out as this in real life, but so easy and freeing to speak of online here.

I agree ;-;

[lillia]

On 1/11/2024 at 1:12 PM, Helion said:

Afamilial simply means that you don't feel familial attraction. You don't have a special bond to your parents, siblings, etc. You can still like them and have a good relationship with them, but don't have the type of familial attraction most people have, like a mother not being worth more than a friend you are equally as befriended to just because she is your mother. 

 

I'm adopted. I was abandoned by my birth mom within 2 days of being born and then adopted by 9 months or so of my life and didn't really move out until I was 18-19 years old (college age at that time). My relationship has always been rocky since my teenage years (long, long story), they've always been very emotionally and psychologically negligent. My adoptive parents have a biological son of theirs whose 11 years older than me. He TORMENTED me via fear (scaring me on purpose, being in general a nasty bully, etc.) until he went off to college (so that comes to about the first 9-11 years of my life). Because of said childhood, I've gone totally numb to him. I never expect him to apologize and if he did, I'd just shrug and tell him that he shouldn't have outted me when I was in my 20s (and him in his 30s), he shouldn't have called an ex boyfriend of mine a racist slur (against when I was in my 20s and he was in his 30s), and just in general been a huge dick towards me during childhood. He was old enough to know damn well the kind of hurt his actions would have caused. He has a wife and 2 kids now (a daughter and son). No idea how he isn't a completely abusive asshole towards the wife and kids.

With my parents, I'm basically counting the days before I completely cut off contact from them. I suspect it's going to be within 5 years (since in 2024, I'm in my early 30s, my mom is late 60s, my dad early 70s). They're either going to die and/or go to nursing home before that happens, I SUSPECT but it kind of ultimately depends on the financial situation because I'm doing my damnnest to be fully 100% financially independent from them but the occasional emergency bill or crisis financial issue happens and my Dad is ass-fuck-ton rich. 

[P4R4D0X]

Apparently my grandfather is likely to die soon.

Why am I so happy?

Like sure he hit me a lot when I was 5 or so and all that shit but why am I so happy?

[An Aro Passes Bi]

Honestly I have no clue. I’ve always taken ideas like “familial ties” with an ocean full of salt. The idea that one must love their family bc “they’re your family,” “they raised you,” “they provided for you,” etc. strikes me as extremely manipulative and I vowed, from a pretty early age, that I wasn’t going to let that sort of rhetoric control me—I basically swore off any form of familial obligation, including the obligation to love someone just bc you’re related. The thought of being in a close, tight-knit family makes me wanna throw up, even if they’re kind and loving and all that stuff.

But idk if that comes from some intrinsic afamiliality or trauma. In my case, I’m leaning towards the latter bc I do love my mom in a way that’s different from how I love my friends (granted, I couldn’t tell you if that’s bc she’s my mom or bc of some other factors) and I think that, at one point, I held that same kind of love for my dad. And trauma has led me to be wary of any overtly affectionate behavior, be it familial or platonic—and I’m definitely not aplatonic. 

 

TL;DR: I dunno, it’s complicated bc trauma

[Zozz]

On 1/11/2024 at 1:12 PM, Helion said:

Afamilial simply means that you don't feel familial attraction. You don't have a special bond to your parents, siblings, etc. You can still like them and have a good relationship with them, but don't have the type of familial attraction most people have, like a mother not being worth more than a friend you are equally as befriended to just because she is your mother. 

Feel free to drop your experience or feelings.

 

Here's my personal experience, feel free to skip as it will get vent-y:

I realised something was up when I argued with my mom about our relationship and how we treat each other. I named an example about how I treat my friends, but she went "Yes, but we are not talking about friendships, we are family. This is completely different." and I was utterly confused. I went through lots of issues with both of my parents, have no siblings and only see my other family members fairly rarely, so I frankly have no bond to any of them. Even the ones I have a good relationship with, there is nothing special I feel for them, they are just friends (Like my cousin, she is just a friend to me) or just people I kind of have to meet obligatory but don't actually care much about.

This might sound horrible and I frankly feel kind of bad about it, but if my grandparents died I don't think I would care much. I have an okay relationship with them, but they aren't friends, they are waaay too different from me, we have zero common interests or much to talk about other than "How are you doing?" and as I said I do not feel any special bonds to them. They are nice, so of course I would prefer it if they were alive and healthy, but when they will die I probably won't cry or feel that bad about it. 

Sounds bad, but this is how I am. It feels a little extra shitty because I can't help but to wonder if I would not be afamilial if my mother wouldn't have been such a shitty parent. 

This got way darker than I intended, I hope yall don't mind. 

I.. Kind of relate? Like I'm the kind of person who says just because they're family you dont need to love them. Like there's no reason for me to love a family member JUST because we're family if they don't treat me like a friend. I don't think I'm 100% afamillial, but i also have always just thought that family members who get along with each other are good friends with the same blood. That's it.

Like my sister calls our cousin her cousin even though they are literally best friends. For a long time I tried telling her that, but she'd just say she doesn't count because she's her cousin. But then what about if they didn't get along? Using the same term to describe their relationship wouldn't make sense, you know? (now she does call the cousin her best friend and cousin though lol)

and I do feel love for my family, but mostly because they're who I grew up with and lived my life with, and spent time with, and I guess for the most part they cared for me.