RavenIsWerid

I just realized something, when I was younger I had so called "crushes" on celebrities. I use to think I was not Aromantic because of that but now looking back, they were not actual crushes: 1st off When they looked normal or not perfect/hot in my view I did not feel anything and would skip to pictures where they where hot. 2nd off: I did not bother to find out anything about them-I did not bother to really do any research about them. 3rd If I did have a "crush" its never been labeled my kind of crush was feeling some heat in my chest and maybe some heat in my brain, It was a very intense aesthetic attraction which I did not realize at the time.4th When you have a crush you want to hang out with them, dream about marrying them, think about them. Even though it was celebrity crush which means its a little different I never thought about them besides when I was looking at their perfect pictures, what I felt back felt back then (like I said before) was a intense aesthetic crush. 5 when you have a romantic crush you like the person in a romantic way-you like them as a whole, I for one just liked how they looked. 6th Back then I was facing a lot of internal pressure to be LGBTQ+. My Mom came out as Trans and so for some reason I wanted to be queer too, so a lot of internalized pressure made me want to crush on girls. 7th I do think I did feel slight attraction just not in a romantic/sexual/friend kind of way I don't know a word for it and I don't think one exists for what I'm trying to say. 8th my crushes often felt internally forced, when I was 12 their was this one girl, and I wanted to have a crush so badly that I felt butterflies, but now looking back I don't think I ever felt romantic attraction. 9th My parents never where lovey dovey and I blame myself for that because when I was about 4-6 I told them to not kiss in front of me because it was gross. I don't know if it was me (It might have been somewhat my fault but if their love had been strong it would have been able to break a silly kids order not to kiss) Anyway they never truly loved each other and I started reading romance books, and some other stuff. The idea of love like that-soul mates and stuff, I wanted it so badly, and not having two parents that loved each other made me want it for myself. 10 I was in love. I was in love with the idea of love, I wanted the perfect kind of love and that's why I only crushed on images of people when they looked perfect and hot.

Thanks for reading my silly little essay lol I just needed to wrote it to truly figure out how I felt, I may have felt romantic attraction in my life but it might have just been faint. <3