RavenIsWerid

I just realized something, when I was younger I had so called "crushes" on celebrities. I use to think I was not Aromantic because of that but now looking back, they were not actual crushes: 1st off When they looked normal or not perfect/hot in my view I did not feel anything and would skip to pictures where they where hot. 2nd off: I did not bother to find out anything about them-I did not bother to really do any research about them. 3rd If I did have a "crush" its never been labeled my kind of crush was feeling some heat in my chest and maybe some heat in my brain, It was a very intense aesthetic attraction which I did not realize at the time.4th When you have a crush you want to hang out with them, dream about marrying them, think about them. Even though it was celebrity crush which means its a little different I never thought about them besides when I was looking at their perfect pictures, what I felt back felt back then (like I said before) was a intense aesthetic crush. 5 when you have a romantic crush you like the person in a romantic way-you like them as a whole, I for one just liked how they looked. 6th Back then I was facing a lot of internal pressure to be LGBTQ+. My Mom came out as Trans and so for some reason I wanted to be queer too, so a lot of internalized pressure made me want to crush on girls. 7th I do think I did feel slight attraction just not in a romantic/sexual/friend kind of way I don't know a word for it and I don't think one exists for what I'm trying to say. 8th my crushes often felt internally forced, when I was 12 their was this one girl, and I wanted to have a crush so badly that I felt butterflies, but now looking back I don't think I ever felt romantic attraction. 9th My parents never where lovey dovey and I blame myself for that because when I was about 4-6 I told them to not kiss in front of me because it was gross. I don't know if it was me (It might have been somewhat my fault but if their love had been strong it would have been able to break a silly kids order not to kiss) Anyway they never truly loved each other and I started reading romance books, and some other stuff. The idea of love like that-soul mates and stuff, I wanted it so badly, and not having two parents that loved each other made me want it for myself. 10 I was in love. I was in love with the idea of love, I wanted the perfect kind of love and that's why I only crushed on images of people when they looked perfect and hot.

Thanks for reading my silly little essay lol I just needed to wrote it to truly figure out how I felt, I may have felt romantic attraction in my life but it might have just been faint. <3

I thought I had a crush today but I did not lol. Anyway there was this one woman who was walking, and I was biking around to test out my new bike. Anyway, she and I have some bad blood; we just didn't start off on a good foot. Anyway, I saw her and I started speeding up so she would not see me (gosh, I'm such a genius, lol). Anyway, my heart was pounding, and I felt heat in my chest (it was kind of painful—not like ow I'm in pain, so kinda a fast throb kind of painful feeling), so I thought I had a crush. I pictured kissing her, and I just felt disgusted. Doing anything romantic with her disgusted me, so I was confused. Maybe I was orchidromantic? So I looked up why my heart speed up like that, and I found out: it's likely due to a physiological response to excitement or nervousness, not necessarily indicating romantic interest; this could be caused by factors like finding someone visually appealing, feeling a sudden rush of adrenaline, or simply being in a new social situation, even without a romantic spark.. The feeling is actually kinda painful now looking back—it wasn't  romantic attraction.So you can feel nervous and you heart speed up around someone-just doesn't mean you have a crush on them lol-I wish someone had told me sooner lol. 

Does anyone else wish they were a different romantic orientation simply because they like the flag lol? (I would never lie or pretend I was I just really like the omniromantic flag-the colors are so pleasing to my eyes, unlike for example the Grayromantic flag-(I have nothing against Greyromantic or their flag I just don't like the flag-its not pleasing to look at for me lol)

Sometimes I feel like I'm lying that I'm not aro, and that I'm lying to myself and everyone else, and then I start crying about the fact that I can't fall in love, and then I worry that I didn't save my drawing. My brain can go from full panic attack to worrying about silly things. My brain honestly confuses me. Also sadly I did not save my drawing so I have to start over lol.

I think I'm starting to accept myself as aro. Before I always refused to even think it because I wanted that connection with someone to feel love, and so when my brain realized I wasn't feeling what I wanted my whole life it started to try to fake that feeling, I was having "crushes" so often I was feeling mentally exhausted and it was putting a strain on me from having "crushes" so often. I guess I just wanted that feeling like the books and movies and songs, everyone talks about how wonderful love is and what a wonderful thing it is so I wanted to feel it to the point I was breaking myself, and ignoring who I actually was. I still love romance and everything that comes with it but if I never feel it that's okay because I do feel love: I feel love for my family, and my pets. That's all the love I need right now, and I'm learning to accept that love comes in so many more forms then what I have been taught all my life. <3  

I'm for sure somewhat lower on The aromantic spectrum due to the fact I do sometimes feel romantic attraction but it's faint. Honestly I'm just experimenting with labels until one fits lol